Looking back and front, right and left on my life, no matter how hard I try, I cannot stop thinking: my life is a cliché.
(If the following ideas will not make too much sense, won’t have an end or beginning, is because what you read is a bunch of thoughts that have finally surfaced into words)
The life I currently live is not at all the sort of life I imagined or expected when I was a bit younger. But maybe it is not only my case but yours too and probably everyone elses. It might come as a surprise, but it doesn’t make me happier. Your misery, my misery, their misery is not a source of mild and fake happiness for me.
I dare say, that the more I walk into this life, I didn’t picture, the more mad I am at…myself.
Exterior circumstances have definitely influenced the way my life turned out so far, yet I must admit it wasn’t just that. It was equally all the decisions I personally made. Some were made consciously, some not. On days when my heart was filled with pain and sadness I made decisions in the spire of the moment. On those days I didn’t chose to isolate myself, I had to. I felt like there was no other way to survive, than by resting in my solitude. On days I have lost hope in me and my capacity to achieve anything, many times I have chosen not to study and did not allowed my self to dream.
For the fear of disappointment and failure I have missed on so many opportunities and experiences. Now I realise.
In all these years I battled with my self I have also deserted on all the possible glorious versions of me. I don’t know in the end if it was my choice or not, but now I am this version of Me.
However, in spite of everything I have felt, everyone around me likes to remind me that ‘it is not the circumstances but your attitude towards them, that make life’ (Or something like that).
Won’t you feel missunderstood? Odd? Wrong? Probably weak, if it was your case?!
Things that were easy for others have represented a source of struggle for me. It wasn’t that I was lazy (as I have previously thought), it wasn’t necessarily that I was trying to find excuses (sometimes maybe it was the case), the reason I have behaved the way I did was because I am me, this me, that doesn’t process certain events the way the majority does.
Even though I know there is nothing necessarily wrong with me, I feel otherwise.
I am mad and so so mad that I am not nearly the person I wanted and still want to be! I am so much less than what I pictured and so much different than what I thought I’d be.
When something doesn’t happen the way I wanted, I am not even surprised anymore, because my life is a cliché.
When there is a chance that something at college could go wrong, it always does, because my life is a cliché.
When I want someone to like me, they almost definitely won’t do so, because my life is a cliché.
When I want to do good in life, at college, at being a daughter or friend, I will probably do wrong, because my life is a cliché.
On some days when I feel more positive about life, I try to think to myself that it is ok.
But it is not!
Today it is not ok, and I feel like my life is a roller coaster that has already passed its highest point and now it can only go down.
Today, this is how I feel.