” Why are you so eager to die?”
” Because it is the only way I can get home.”
His question just hit me. I didn’t think anyone noticed that I am at war, with myself. His question was more than pertinent. But no one really had the courage before to ask me.
I guess from the outside my actions seemed odd, but only if you knew my story you would understand that…
How should I answer him now without looking like a crazy person?!
– Because it is the only way I can get home.
– What do you mean..home?
– You know, the place you belong to. Eeerm, that did not sound good! Now he will ask: you mean death?
– You mean death?
– Yes, I guess, if you put it that way.
– That’s bullshit how can one belong to death? You are alive for a reason. You are meant to live otherwise you would not be here, on planet Earth, in this continent, in this country in this damn city! His voice become more and more accentuated and his tone sounded more and more desperate. But what was I supposed to do? I can’t lie and especially not to him. So I have chosen to answer him this way. It was the truth definitely, but not all of it.
– Yes, I am meant to live, but only so I can die. My life is only meaningful as long as I die, otherwise it is just a constant. In an equation constant rarely change the outcome. For me the outcome is all that matters.
In some ways life is like math. You add, you substract people, than you multiply or divide possessions and in the end you remain with nothing. 0.
Although in some ways life is different than math, of course. What matters in life is what comes after “=0”, in other words what comes after death.
– You are talking gibberish, said he in an anxious voice.
– No, I AM NOT TALKING GIBBERISH! I was loosing my tamper. I just wanted to be over with this discussion so I decided to tell him everything straight forward..at least that’s what I intended to do.
– I want to die. Weather you like it or not. I want to die every minute of my life so I can..( no I cannot tell him this, think fast, think!) be at peace. I wasn’t meant to live, I don’t know how to live, how to enjoy life. My mind is always There, always with Him. I know that in His arms all my sorrow will be gone, all my pain will disappear, I know He and only He is truly able to love someone like me. Of course he didn’t see the capital letters so he didn’t understand what I meant.
Deep down I hoped that one day he will.
– Oh, so it is only about some stupid guy that broke your heart?
– Yes. He broke my heart so He can reshape it in the most wonderful way.
– I cannot listen to more of this nonsense. Let’s go.
And he grabbed my hand and started walking towards the sunset.
……To be continued.